King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire: the caravan monarch

KING'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE 2004

As I look back over these past twelve months, I know that it has been about as full a year as I can remember. Daytime television has, in my opinion, never been better, and the transition of Cromer Safeway's to become a Morrison's has provided a new and exciting range of ready meals, which have been a real pleasure to sample.

Christmas is a wonderful time to look back at what one has achieved, and focus on what lies ahead. But it is also a time to spare a thought for those less fortunate than one's self. My friend, The Archbishop of Fantaberry, is this Christmas alone in his caravan with a Findus Turkey Meal For One. Pride means he will not cry for help and so his plight, and that of others like him, goes unnoticed. Even a small donation to charity can help these people, so please give what you can.

Christmas should mainly be about food and presents, but some also like to remember the birth of the baby Jesus. I, however, have the honour of being Defender of the Zinger Faith, and it is for this reason that I close with a short prayer, penned by the Archbishop of Fantaberry, which honours the birth - not of Jesus - but of the Zinger Tower Burger.

All was bleak and cold and still,
Then came the smell from yonder hill.
Delicious scent of heavenly thing -
The Zinger Tower that God did bring.
Now all is tasty, warm and zingy,
Pay homage to the burger thingy.
Amen.

A happy Christmas to you all.

HM King Nicholas I
Sheringham, Norfolk.

NEWS READERS DON EMPIRE TIES FOR CHRISTMAS

Two Copeman Empire ties were dispatched to a mystery PO Box in London earlier this week and then, today, who should turn up wearing them, other than ITV Lunchtime News Anchor Nicholas Owen and that political editor, whose name I forget. Coincidence? I think not. And another order, this time for an orange and red tie, has been placed on behalf of someone at Channel 4 - so keep your eyes peeled to see what Jon Snow is wearing on the evening news in coming days.

QUALITY MERCHANDISE ON SALE NOW

Baby Face has read in some magazine that all the big-time celebrities are launching their own clothing lines these days, such as P Diddy, Damon Dash and Kylie.

He reckons that because I'm getting quite well-known locally, I should get in on the act myself and start offering elements of my own radical style to the people of North Norfolk, keen to emulate the sharp look of their local monarch.

Rather than baggy tracksuits or raunchy lingerie, though, he has opted for high quality woven silk ties, and has just placed a bulk order with the Austrian manufacturer we got our own black and white ones from last year.

A load of local old ladies are now busy unpicking the foreign labels off the backs and stitching on little 'NR' logos instead. They will soon go on sale from the Palace Shop, priced at 35GBP each (you have to pay for quality). Email now to order, while stocks last. As well as the classic black and white Copeman Empire tie that I often wear myself, there is a red and orange one for adherents of the Zinger Faith too. All proceeds go to charity.