King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire: the caravan monarch

LINE OF SUCCESSION

Andrew has just brought round this week's copy of Zoo magazine, which features a 16-page "Babewatch Awards" pull-out section. This has, in turn, led to a high-brow discussion about who would be on our own top ten list of girls.

If anything were to happen to Zara, I'd need to know I had some back-up options, so here's my list of would-be Queens of the Copeman Empire, just for the record:

I: Zara Phillips, II: Kate Garraway, III: Melanie Sykes, IV: Abi Titmuss, V: Lisa Rogers, VI: Carol Vorderman (offer expires 2010), VII: Ulrika Jonsson, VIII: Natasha Kaplinsky, IX: The girl who plays keyboards in 'Hanson', X: Julie Reinger.

This list is by no means definitive, and I welcome suggestions as to how I might improve it.

BRING ON THE LADIES

King Nicholas with his Polo Crest aftershave

Sorry to keep going on about Polo Crest - it's not like I'm plugging it in any meaningful way - after all, it's been discontinued. But whatever, the rare batch I managed to get hold of has arrived, at last, and it smells LOVELY. 5.5oz is enough to keep me smelling seriously sexy, right through to 2007 - and all for the price of a Dormy House Hotel carvery meal (including starter and pudding).

Or perhaps I should make that two carvery meals... if Matthew Curtis is to be believed, I could soon have female company.

By the way, there seems to be a technical problem with this KingCam thing - it makes me look all pink and geeky when, in fact, I'm nicely tanned and very sophisticated.

THE ARCHBISHOP OF SOMEWHERE

The Reverend David East enjoys his sausage bap

I have just returned from a very pleasant lunch at Roy Boy's, with the Reverend David East. I was, unfortunately, a little late, because my usual limousine had already been booked out for a funeral, and I was forced to borrow Mumsy's Toyota Yaris instead. I found my tunic rather restrictive when driving, and hence had to keep the speed down, for safety's sake.

Anyway - back to David - I am pleased to report that he was a very nice chap and, as we munched away on our sausage baps, we had a highly stimulating discussion about world affairs and how some vicars actually make their dog collars out of strips cut from washing-up liquid bottles. I was very sorry to hear from David that his daughter was rushed into hospital yesterday, and I would like to take this opportunity to wish her a full and speedy recovery.

Unfortunately, Baby Face couldn't make it to the meeting because his short-mat bowls team has made it through to the regional semi-finals. But I decided on the spot to make David an Archbishop, though neither of us had much idea where he should be Archbishop of. So, lacking any bright ideas from Roy Boy or the other truckers, I decided to make him, quite literally, "The Archbishop of Somewhere".

The newly invested Archbishop of Somewhere is pictured above, enjoying his sausage bap. I took the snap with my 'KingCam' - a fancy new gadget Andrew has got hold of for me at a knocked-down price, and which I will be using to beam pictures of my various regal activities directly to this website, over the coming months.

JAMIE OLIVER IN THE STOCKS

I was round at Sir Andrew's flat yesterday evening, watching Big Brother, and he went totally mental when a Jamie Oliver / Sainsbury's ad came on in the break. I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about, but he is still ranting about it this morning, and has asked me to issue a statement as follows:

'he (Jamie Oliver) comes on ""challenging"" the sausage supplier that his taste the difference sausages could be just normal sausages in a posh pack.... as if jamie mite be sum kinda roger cook lookin out for our consumer interests. duz saisburies seriously expect us to beleive that sum chef they payed millions to appear in an ad might actually uncover some kinda '''sausage fraud''' in one of their #own# commercials? sod em - from now on im gonna stick to co-op chicken fillets and my george forman grill.'

I'm not sure exactly what Andrew's going on about, but he assures me that if you've seen the ad, it makes sense.

NEW ARCHBISHOP TO JOIN THE EMPIRE?

Local Methodist Leader, the Reverend David East, has been in touch to say he's just signed up as a Loyal Subject, and has also been dropping several, very unsubtle hints that I might appoint him a new Archbishop within the Empire.

When I told Baby Face this (the incumbent Archbishop of Fantaberry), he was furious, and suggested the Rev East might be "one of those career vicars" he'd been hearing about - "like Gordon Gekko but with a dog collar."

I, of course, ordered Baby Face to silence and show some respect - everyone I know agrees that David is an all-round good bloke and a top-notch man of the cloth. I reassured Baby Face that his position as Head of the Zinger Faith is safe, but I do think it's good to have a bit of Christianity in your life - if only for that lovely warm and cosy feeling at Christmas - so I have decided to go along with the Reverend East's suggestion that "the Queen, as head of the Church of England, has 2 archbishops ? Canterbury and York ? so there's no reason why you couldn't have 2 too ? one of the chicken burgers religion, and a Methodist one."

I'm quite happy to appoint the Reverend East an Archbishop of Whatever Fancy Name He Likes The Sound Of, subject to a successful interview over tea and Gutbusters at Roy Boy's truckstop. Baby Face himself will be on the selection panel and says there'll be quick-fire bible questions - Who Wants to be a Millionaire?-style - just to check he knows his stuff. So David, please contact Copeman Palace soon, to arrange a meeting.

THE HUNT FOR POLO CREST

Matthew Curtis was even drunker than usual this New Year's at the Crown, and almost got us chucked out after Gary discovered his stash of Hoffmeister and vodka under our table. Still, I at last managed to get Matthew to let me into the secret of his legendary success with women (he has, at present, three girls on the go). He puts it down to "a twinkle in the eye, a hand in the pocket, and a good squirt of Polo Crest".

In fact, getting this combination right is harder than you might think. Putting your hand in your pocket is obviously a piece of cake, but I have been practising in the mirror trying to get my eye to twinkle all morning, and I just can't get it to work. And as for Polo Crest, this must be the Holy Grail of male fragrances. I've scoured all over the web and, as far as I can tell, it was only ever available in America, for a short period circa 1991.

Matthew won't lend me any of his, so I shall have to write to Ralph Lauren himself, asking whether he's got any leftovers that he might let me have. Of course, if anyone reading this comes across a bottle, please do let me know.

NEW YEAR'S HONOURS

So it's that time of year again, when the great and the good of the Copeman Empire visit my palace at the Beeston Regis Caravan Park to be honoured by their grateful king.

Dame Kelly Holmes

My mate Andrew (who is himself a Copeman 'Sir') has been going on and on about how it's ridiculous that Kelly Holmes should be made a Dame, just for running quickly and then pulling a silly face on the finishing line. So I am determined that Copeman Empire honours will only be awarded to a select few, who really have put something into society, both on the local and national stage. These are the lucky recipients:

Anneka Rice CCE, for Services to Charitable Entertainment; Phil Gardner OCE, for Services to Blogging; Julie Reinger OCE, for Services to Meteorology;

Sheringham FC (all MCE), for Services to Sport; Michael Sheard MCE, for Services to Television; Alex Hazel MCE, for Services to Publishing; Dave 'No Surname' MCE, for Services to Fine Cuisine; The Chuckle Brothers MCE

The Chuckle Brothers (both MCE), for Services to Light Entertainment; and Marc Ollosson MCE, for Services to Internet Publishing. Further honours will be made in the King Nicholas book, published on 02.06.05.