King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire: the caravan monarch

FRUIT MACHINE CRUSADE 2005

Who wants to be a Millionaire at the Crown?

I shall be leading a tour of the best fruit/quiz machines in Sheringham this Saturday 26th. The itinerary is as follows:

6pm - Crown Inn - "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
7pm - Shannock's Hotel - "Gold Trail"
8pm - The Lobster - "Mega Dollar Sweep"
9pm - Dunstable Arms - "Gold Rush"
10pm - Pink Gin and blackjack at the Burlington Hotel, until closing (lock-in status to be advised).

By arrangement with the management of these drinking establishments, the above fruit machines have been reserved for the use of King and Subjects at the allotted times, so email as soon as possible to get added to the guestlist - numbers are limited to fourteen. Dress Code: Mufti.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ZARA!

King Nicholas sends a 'love gesture' to Zara Phillips

I awoke this morning, full of expectation. Since getting my Polo Crest, I've been 'putting myself about' quite a bit - generally schmoozing the Sheringham ladies, under the mentorship of Matthew Curtis. So I was hoping for quite a few Valentine's Day cards to be arriving at the bungalow this morning.

In fact, I had hinted to our postie, Roger, that if he wanted to hold my mail at the sorting office, I'd be quite happy to pop round later on to pick it all up, in Baby Face's car. But when Roger turned up, he said he'd managed to carry all my post, no problem - just a letter from the Job Centre and the latest offers from the Brittania Music Club.

The only card I received was on the breakfast table, along with my Ready Brek, and blatantly in Mumsy's handwriting.

I did, of course, send some romantic trinkets over to Zara Phillips. I shalln't go all James Hewitt and say what, exactly, I sent, but 'frilly', 'chocolatey' and 'bathsalty' are all words that spring to mind.

By the way, Andrew won our game of Hotel yesterday - I came second, and Baby Face last. Baby Face accused Andrew of cheating but, after a Steward's Inquiry (by me), the game was found to be in perfect order. So, for the next week, Baby Face will be Andrew's gimp.

"A FIVE-STAR GAME OF HIGH STAKES"

Baby Face and I are heading round to Andrew's flat tomorrow, for KFC Sunday lunch and a game of 'Hotel'. This classic 1986 boardgame is now incredibly rare, but he's managed to get hold of an unused, factory-sealed example on e-Bay, for just 35 quid. (Apparently, they usually change hands for around 100GBP in a worn condition, often with the streetlights outside the Royal Hotel missing).

This is set to be a grand showdown between Baby Face and Andrew, who have been slagging each other off for ages, with no obvious way of settling the score. I am quietly confident of winning, myself, but whoever comes off worse out of Baby Face and Andrew will have to address the other as 'Sir' whilst, in exchange, being addressed as 'gimp' and required to do any menial tasks, such as making tea, shining shoes, or popping downstairs to fetch chips.

SOMEONE'S GOT THEIR TIE IN A TWIST

Dear "King" Nicholas

I am writing to you to try and get some sense, as your Palace Shop is clearly run by absolute MORONS.

I bought one of your black and white Copeman Empire neckties just before Christmas, which I thought to be very nice, at the time. However, the stitching has worked loose, even though I have worn it just THREE (3) times. This is a DEFECTIVE PRODUCT.

But when I emailed your "PALACE SHOP" to complain, I received an email in response from some wretch calling himself 'BABY FACE' who told me --- and I quote --- to "CHILL OUT".

I repeat - "CHILL OUT"!!!

When I emailed back expressing my OUTRAGE, I was told --- and I quote once again --- that "designer couture is often crap quality mate... it's only ever about making the right statement... if you want nice seams go to m&s"

Now I don't know quite what sort of business you think you are running, Sir, BUT YOU WILL BE RUNNING NO BUSINESS AT ALL IF YOU CONTINUE IN THIS ABSURD MANNER. I found your escapades amusing to begin with, but from my experience with this tie - JUST A TIE FOR GOD'S SAKE - I have to say I am quickly tiring of your pathetic, self-congratulatory little world.

I have the tie here, packed up and ready to be sent back to you. All I need is an address - a PHYSICAL ADDRESS - to send it to. I also expect to receive a refund by cheque within seven (7) days. I would have written to you in a LETTER, but as I say, I have NO PHYSICAL ADDRESS FOR YOU AT ALL. This is against DTI guidelines!

I know my rights, and will NOT be taken for a fool.

Yours,
John Harper

TO BABY FACE, FROM JULES

To Baby Face, with best wishes, Jules :)

People in Norfolk seem to have a love/hate relationship with BBC Look East weather presenter, Julie Reinger. Baby Face is in no doubt, though - he absolutely loves her, and came very close to saying so when he first met her in the flesh at last year's Pride of Norfolk Awards, which we weren't actually invited to, but which we still managed to infiltrate, in an Andy McNab kind of way, thanks to Andrew. (In fact, this high-stakes, covert mission is described in some detail in Chapter 20 of my forthcoming action-packed memoir, which Mumsy assures me will have John Grisham quaking in his boots).

Anyway, it may have taken her over two months to reply, but Julie Reinger has finally got in touch with Baby Face, and he's over the moon. Click here for a close-up of her signed photo, along with a copy of his original (and pretty pathetic, if you ask me) letter to her.