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JAMIE OLIVER KNIGHTED
 My mate Andrew Waters is constantly whingeing on about Jamie Oliver. A couple of months ago, it was Sausagegate that had him all worked up (don't click on the link - it's utterly tedious) and, now, he's convinced himself that Jamie's crusade for better school dinners is "just a vehicle to get him a knighthood".
Andrew's very much into his fast food - Dave's Fish 'n' Chips, in particular - and claims it's done him no harm. After all, he has a career at BT and his out-of-hours success on the stock market is further evidence that "you don't need to eat crap like cucumber and couscous to get ahead in life".
Personally, I've been a fan of Jamie Oliver ever since I saw him do that huge fry-up on The Naked Chef, where he broke a couple of eggs over it towards the end, to make all the ingredients stick together in one giant lard frisbee that you could then slice up like a pie. Baby Face even bought a copy of his recipe book, 'Happy Days', which has some great recipes, including a fish finger buttie, and a sticky sausage bap with melted cheese and brown sauce.
So, whatever his motives, I have decided to reflect general public opinion, and nip in ahead of Tony Blair and the Queen, by awarding Jamie Oliver a Copeman Empire Knighthood, effective immediately. Arise, Sir Jamie - servus regis cuius masturbat!
WEDDING ARRANGEMENTS
 When I marry Zara Phillips, I expect all the Royal Family to be in attendance. Not just the Copeman Royal Family, who can always be relied on to turn up and do their duty, but the British Royal Family too.
I certainly won't be standing for any of this "Sorry, can't make it, but see you at the Community Centre afterwards for the finger-buffet" nonsense from Queen Elizabeth and Co.
Prince Charles must now be wishing he'd done a bit more advance planning. After all, I haven't even met Zara Phillips yet, but already I've started thinking through the arrangements for our Royal Wedding, to ensure the big day goes without a hitch.
THE BURGER KING
For me, the KFC Zinger Tower Burger will always reign supreme but, recently, for a bit of variety, I've been going "off menu" at McDonalds, having the chef rustle me up novel adaptations on the standard offerings, which I then assemble myself, once I get to my seat. The girl behind the counter always seems well annoyed by my increasingly unusual requests and there's always a wait of three to four minutes for the food to arrive.
But it's well worth the wait to get something truly unique, and I find it very rewarding to think that I'm playing an important part in the creative process. Here are a couple of my favourite recipes...
Recipe 1: Take the bun off the top of a bacon cheeseburger and place a plain McChicken Sandwich (no mayonnaise or lettuce) on top. This is quite a mouthful, and a bit pricey, but tastes great, especially with a smear of barbeque or sweet 'n' sour sauce inside, for added lubrication.
Recipe 2: Order three plain hamburgers (no onion, gherkin or ketchup), then stick all three beef patties into just one of the buns, with a tub of BBQ sauce drizzled over the top patty. This might sound a bit boring (and a bit wasteful too, seeing as two of the buns don't even get used) but, as any chef will tell you, good food is mainly down to the quality of the ingredients. In fact, this is probably the best thing you can get in Maccy D's these days, since they took the McRib off the menu.
KING NICHOLAS BUTTER CHIPS
 Product development is now well under way for my King Nicholas Butter Chips. The brief is, quite simply, to create the ultimate crisp, regardless of cost. A bit like making a McLaren F1, really, and current costings indicate a projected retail price of over 1 pound per 10g pack.
The recipe is, of course, top secret, and known only to me, and my dad (who was big in snacks in the Nineties and is now Chairman of the new company I have formed). Baby Face is Marketing Director, and has come up with the strap line "King Nicholas Butter Chips: The Zara Phillips of Snack Foods". We're just waiting to hear back whether it's OK to use her name.
We'll be holding taste-testings sometime soon, so get in touch if you'd like to be involved.
SHERINGHAM CAVALIER
I bumped into Andrew Cartmell on my way back from Budgens this morning, who was very keen to show off the new spoiler he's had fitted to his Vauxhall Cavalier. It is both sporty and spaceage, I'm sure you'll agree, and Andrew hopes it will provide extra down-force when cornering at high speeds. He's offered to give me a demonstration, once the snow's cleared.
SARTORIAL SHOW-DOWN: COTTON vs POLYESTER
 As any fashion queen will tell you, trend-setting requires meticulous advance-planning. This morning, I was doing the royal rounds in gale-force winds, wearing the full winter garb of woollen breeches, tunic and cloak, but, this afternoon, I was at my Royal Seamstress' bungalow, planning my lightweight summer collection.
I have already acquired a pith helmet through e-Bay, and am now discussing the finer details of my tropical jacket and trousers with Beryl. The big decision is whether to choose traditional white drill cotton, which - though authentic - creases and stains very easily, or opt for Beryl's polyester twill, which she calls 'God's cloth' and which is worn by the Sheringham Town Crier and various amateur dramatics societies in the area. (It is stain-resistant and crease-proof, but is also, unfortunately, rather shiny-looking, up close).
If anyone reading this can advise in any way, I'd be most grateful. I have a sample of Beryl's 'God's cloth', as well as some traditional white cotton drill, which I can mail out for your assessment.
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