King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire: the caravan monarch

THE PEOPLE'S COURT

Andrew had the day off work today, so I headed round to his flat this morning to watch The People's Court on ITV, presented by Carol Smilie. Overall, I really liked the show, although some of the guests were a bit hard to understand, so I insisted on having the subtitles on. I suppose I wasn't too sure about the set either - not exactly Kavanagh QC, what with all that aluminium, perspex and Office World furniture thrown in. But all in all, a pretty good way to settle petty disputes, in a showbiz way.

Or so I thought.

Sir Andrew is totally unimpressed, says it's not a patch on Trisha, and reckons the whole thing's a fix anyway. For example, on this morning's show, there was a bloke who'd agreed to buy his neighbour's car, been driving it around 'til it blew up, but still not coughed up the 630 quid he owed, two years later. He'd already been taken to a proper court in Luton, been found guilty, but had still not made a single payment - claiming to be skint.

But one visit to The People's Court, where he was again found guilty, and the money was suddenly magicked out of nowhere. Andrew is convinced that the production company is stumping up the cash for anyone found guilty, as one of the perks of being on the show. So The People's Court is basically a neat way for petty criminals to sidestep the proper court system, have their fines cleared, and gloat to their mates on national television. Andrew is disgusted, and is demanding a full inquiry. Maybe our local MP-to-be, Iain Dale, could look into it, when he takes office on May 5th?

KING NICHOLAS BANQUET BURGER

Due to a computer problem at Cromer Job Centre, there was a delay receiving my benefit this week. By the time payment finally arrived at Copeman Empire Account 01 at 11am this morning, I was feeling totally famished after three days of surviving on Pot Noodles and tinned fruit.

So I decided to head straight down to Roy Boy's truckstop, and splash out on a no-expense-spared nosh-up. Pictured above is my luxury, custom creation, which I officially christened the 'King Nicholas Banquet Burger'. It comprises a triple-decker white loaf stuffed with two sirloin steaks, four bacon rashers, a large sausage patty, two eggs, fried onions, cheese, tomato, lettuce and a good squirt of brown sauce.

The picture is quite deceptive, but not like that recent KFC Mini Fillet ad... my hand is actually bigger than average, and in the foreground, so the burger appears to be a hell of a lot smaller than it really was. Roy said I could have fed a family of four for a week on it.

GOUT BREAKOUT IN THE ROYAL COURT

Sir Andrew has been off work from BT for several days now, claiming to be suffering from gout. He is often coming up with exotic-sounding names for what are usually fairly run-of-the-mill ailments, so at first I thought he was just making it up, to sound all dramatic and medieval. But according to Andrew's doctor (who he always makes a big deal of, because he's BUPA, and comes as part of the company private health scheme), gout is actually quite common in older men with rich diets. Andrew is only 23, but living above a chip shop and bulk ordering pork scratchings from Makro has clearly taken its toll.

Apart from the pain, and the strict diet of tomato soup and Super Noodles, he seems to be enjoying all the sympathy he's been getting from people who've come round to visit him, and his dad's been going around town bragging to everyone that his son is suffering from a "rich man's disease".

Pictured above is Sir Andrew's gout-ridden foot, in a photo taken in his bedsit (NB the black big toenail isn't actually one of the symptoms - it was caused by his Reebok Classics, which he says are a bit tight).

START SWINGING WITH PETER SNOW

I always get excited around election time, mainly because it means Peter Snow and his Swingometer will be back on our screens. I see the BBC now has an online version that you can play with yourself, but, if you ask me, it's miles better when Peter does it properly on the news, along with all his enthusiastic hand gestures.

Now I know royals aren't supposed to get involved in politics but, I have to admit, I've recently become a bit of a fan of our local Tory boy, Iain Dale. Not only has he pledged to tackle the coastal erosion that is threatening my palace at the Beeston Regis Caravan Park, but he also has a pretty cool campaign theme tune, which Baby Face has managed to get a 3-minute extended mix of, and which sounds great on the stereo when we're cruising around Sheringham town centre.

So, unless Norman Lamb MP can come up with some proper sea defences and a banging House record, he might soon find himself out of office.