King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire: the caravan monarch

LET THE GAMES COMMENCE

You know summer's on the way, when the fly-swatting season begins. Last summer, Baby Face and I practically turned it into a professional sport - a bit like squash, but with the danger of getting stung, either by a wasp, or by an opponent's swatter.

The selection of a suitable swatter is, in itself, always the cause of some considerable debate - Baby Face swears by the Lakeland Plastics 'Thumbs Up' design, and always turns up on court like Andre Agassi, with a bag full of them.

Personally I only have one, trusty swatter, which has been in the family for years, and was handed down to me by my dad when I first moved into Copeman Palace. It's KO-ed thousands of flies over the years, but still handles just like new.

New Electro Swat

But before this year's season can get properly underway, we're going to have to settle a dispute about whether the new 'Electro-Swat' - which looks set to be the the big craze of the summer - is strictly match legal. Baby Face reckons it is, and has just forked out 5.99 for one at Emcy's. But I really don't think it's in the spirit of the game - it's made of really hard plastic and I'm worried about damaging the various works of art around the Palace. It also makes a rather scary crackling noise, every time Baby Face sticks his tongue on the electric wires.

INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY

Those uninterested in what goes on in the corridors of power can skip this posting. But those who liked that 'Interpreter' movie, with Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn, should read on...

I have just received a mysterious, but very important-sounding email, from someone claiming to be the Emperor of Moravia. You can read the message here.

At first, I thought it was just another of those hoaxes, where someone claims to have twenty million dollars that they're willing to hand over to you, as long as you agree to pay the five grand delivery charge.

But, as Baby Face points out, this email isn't just some standardised junk-mail - it addresses me by name, and the sender is clearly very aware of the existence, and activities, of the Copeman Empire.

So Baby Face has helped me to write up an official response as follows. We're going to head off to the library now, to email it.

EMPIRE BACKS BARRY

An emergency meeting was convened at Copeman Palace yesterday afternoon, after some pretty seedy allegations surfaced in the Sun newspaper about our very own Barry Chuckle. Barry was awarded the MCE, along with his brother Paul, in the New Year's Honours, and the Archbishop of Fantaberry reckons we should make an example of him by stripping him of his title. He says moral standards are crumbling all around us, that the Chuckle Brothers were the last bastion of decency in light entertainment, and that Barry should pay for his sins.

But I have decided to go against the Archbishop, and stand up for Barry Chuckle MCE. Decades of brilliant service to the entertainment industry can't just be rubbished, on account of a bit of ill-advised fumbling in a pedal-car at a service station. Rest assured, I'm with you in your time of need Barry - just like I was with Archer, Hamilton and Brocket. You can come and hide out here at the palace if it all gets too much... and we're having Chinese for dinner.