King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire: the caravan monarch

THIS FRIDAY

The full address for Friday's event is as follows: Bally Shoe Factory, Hall Road, Norwich, NR4 6DP.

Basically, it's here.

The evening starts off in the Factory at 6, where I will be making a short speech entitled 'War, Art and the Value of Maize-Based Snacks'. Then, at 9, I will be holding a White Tie Ambassadors' Cocktail Party at Copeman Palace. Anyone reading this, who'd like to come, should get in touch asap... numbers are very limited... the Palace only seats six. Or seven, if someone sits on the draining board.

JONATHAN WHO?

Just two years ago, Baby Face and I were social outcasts. To get into parties, we had to gatecrash them. A memorable occasion was when Andrew - or 'Alpha-1', as he insists on being called when he's 'on a mission' - managed to smuggle me and Baby Face into the Pride of Norfolk Awards, where we got to meet Trisha, Myleen Klass, and a talented pet called Gordon.

Well, this Friday, for the first time ever, we have actually been invited to something big and proper in Norwich.

The organisers of the prestigious Norwich Fringe Festival got in touch earlier this week, saying that the royal they'd hoped to book for the opening ceremony had declined, and would I be kind enough to help them out of a fix, by doing the honours myself?

And there will be perks. Lots of lovely perks. I get my own VIP section, in the form of Copeman Palace, which I'll be towing over to the venue tomorrow, and getting stocked up with loads of Freixenet and posh crisps - all at their expense. And then there's the honour of officially declaring the thing open. Back in my dad's heyday as a snack food entrepeneur and local news reader, he was asked to open the Poundstretcher in North Walsham. He seems a little put out that I've now eclipsed him, and at such a tender age.

Even Andrew, who is rarely impressed by anything, agrees that all I need is a panto booking, and I'll officially be bigger than Jonathan Wilkes.

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