King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire

TASTY STAMPS

2007-05-11T09:17:00.001Z

It is with great pleasure that I announce the launch of the first Copeman Empire stamps, created by esteemed philatelists Mark Valentine and Colin Langeveld. 300 have been printed - with perforations and everything - so if you'd like one, email me your address and I'll send you a postcard using one*. I'm not sure whether UK Royal Mail will accept CE stamps as payment, so don't blame me if you have to pay on delivery, or if it doesn't turn up at all.

The thing Andrew is most impressed with is the taste. He says the gum they've used is much nicer than Royal Mail's.

*While stocks last and I can still be bothered.

STOP PRESS. I HAVE NOW RUN OUT OF STAMPS.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

2007-03-14T11:28:00.000Z

Here's the second installment of King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire on YouTube, which Matthew Curtis says is the best thing he's seen since Eldorado.

Andrew reckons I've sold out by having an advert on the end, but that certainly didn't stop him joining me for a delicious Bigham's Beef Wellington I bought with the proceeds.

DAYTIME TELEVISION

2007-01-26T10:51:00.000Z

If like me you're killing time between Jeremy Kyle and Bargain Hunt, have a cuppa and a jammie dodger and check out this short film - Behind the Scenes at Copeman Palace...

THE HOLY GRAIL OF POSH READY MEALS?

2007-01-25T12:13:00.000Z

If you've been reading this blog for a bit, you'll probably know of my tireless pursuit of high-end ready meals. Well, I was in Waitrose the other day (always a treat in itself), when I discovered a new line of products called Bigham's Private Dining. What particularly caught my eye was a packet of two parmesan crusted chicken breasts with a sunblush tomato, garlic and oregano butter filling.

For 6 quid 50.

Naturally I'm thinking, how can they charge that much for two bits of stuffed chicken... surely they can't be that good? Well I had to forfeit most of the essentials on my shopping list in order to buy them, but I did, and I'm pleased to report they were a stonking success.

Now obviously one can't feast on this kind of nosh every night, unless you have a Premiership footballer's wage coming in, but, for those special occassions when one is cooking to impress, these totally kick the ass of Tesco's kievs.

I sent an email to Bigham's customer services department telling them how pleased I was with the meal, that I'd be making them 'By Royal Appointment', and how about they send me over a few freebies to celebrate?

Got a very nice response back from a chap called Edward Lynton-Harley (even their names sound bloody expensive) thanking me very much for the honour and saying that, while they couldn't send me any complimentary products, he did recommend I also try their Beef Wellington, which was apparently a finalist at the 2006 SuperMeat Awards and also the Meat Awards 2005 in the lamb category.

Well, I won't be able to afford one for a few weeks yet, but it'll certainly be top of the shopping list should I ever have the pleasure of cooking a romantic meal for Zara.

ARISE SIR JEREMY!

2007-01-18T10:28:00.000Z

OK, so it's a few weeks late, but here at last is the Copeman Empire 2007 New Years Honours List.

Like most years, it's a mixture of big names and local heroes, and if you think you or someone you know has been overlooked, be sure to drop me an email, and I'll see what I can do.

But in the meantime, here are the great and the good of 2007, as voted for by me, and for once without any money having changed hands...

Sir Jeremy Kyle KCE, for Services to Daytime Television; Neil Diamond CCE, for Services to Music; Julian Fellowes CCE, for Services to Entertainment; Barry Scott CCE, for Services to Household Cleaning; Marc Ollosson OCE (previously MCE) for Services to Sheringham; Jonathan Wilkes OCE, for Services to Entertainment; Pablo Dimoglou MCE, for Services to the Royal Household; Dr Karl Kennedy MCE, for Services to Medicine.

The next round of honours will be on July 6th, my official birthday.

1,000,000,000

2007-01-10T10:45:00.000Z

Congratulations to Casio on the sale of their billionth calculator. As the proud owner of Number 656,239 - a gold 1980s Databank calculator watch - I have had hours of fun writing words like 'boobies' and 'Shell Oil' upside down, and have been able to correct the till assistant at Darren's newsagent on more than one occasion.

They're getting a bit rare now, but if you want one, and Gordon Gekko hasn't beaten you to it, you might still be able to pick one up here.

MY FAMILY IS ALL I HAVE

2006-12-30T20:19:00.000Z

Your Majesty,

I was stunned to receive the following e-mail from Amazon. It suggests readers of your splendid tome might be interested in a story of escaping the Nazis and surviving Communism. Although your father seemed stern at times, I don't believe he had any ambitions to invade Poland, and I don't believe North Norfolk has been in the grip of anything more radical than the Lib Dems. I am therefore rather confused, but thought you may wish to be informed.

Seasons greetings
[Name to be inserted once he tells me it's OK to]

***
Greetings from Amazon.co.uk,

We've noticed that customers who have expressed interest in King Nicholas and the Copeman Empire by Nick Copeman have also ordered My Family Is All I Have: A British Woman's Story of Escaping the Nazis and Surviving the Communists by Helen Alice Dear. For this reason, you might like to know that this book will be released on 4 January 2007. You can pre-order your copy for just 5.59GBP (20% off the RRP) by following the link below.
***

I could be onto a winner here. If it turns out to be a big seller, perhaps mine could grab a few much-needed sales off the back of it. Although technically it said people had "expressed interest" in my book... not actually ordered a copy. I mean, Andrew is often expressing interest in women down the Two Lifeboats, but that doesn't mean he actually gets anywhere with them. Anyway this is the link (which I've modified to include my Amazon referral code, so I'll hopefully earn enough for a couple of bags of Transform-a-Snacks and a can of Irn-Bru for every copy bought).

TAS-TASTIC

2006-12-28T16:34:00.000Z

Received a tip-off from Andrew that Rainbow in Cromer is now selling Transform-a-Snacks! (I don't usually use exclamation marks, but this is the most excited I've been since Christmas Day). Rather spookily, there were 13 on the shelf, and I've left three behind just in case there are any TAS fans out there who want to rush over and get some. You heard it here first.

Er... I'm not sure what to put in this gap...

CHRISTMAS CANCELLED?

2006-11-13T09:53:00.000Z

Dear Majesty,

A year or more ago perhaps longer, you granted me the title of Lord Runton. The title came with a small piece of land in your vegetable patch. My friend renowned author G.P.Taylor was given by you the title of Lord Northstead.

You may have made a small note of the titles you gave us on an the back of an old Sainsburys receipt. This may have been thrown out with discarded ready meal packages and so you may not recall either of us.

To get to the point I would ask you to use whatever Royal Powers you have and save Christmas!!!!

Our home town of Scarborough after much deliberation amongst its local Police, Fire Brigade and Council Officials have decided that turning on the Christmas lights is too dangerous.

The crowds coming to watch the Official turn on (by a Coronation Street star, the ginger one called Fiz or something) would be too large. Insurance would be too costly and safety barriers and stewards would be unable to cope. They have therefore decided to cancel the official turning on event and turn them on secretly when nobody is looking.

In the past the celebreties to turn on the lights have been Wolf from Gladiators, somebody Dingle from Emmerdale Farm and Les Battersby from Coronation Street. Kirk was last year!

The crowds far from getting hysterical and out of control remained calm though excited, there was no need for mounted Police or water canons.

We could end up being the only town in England without an official turning on of lights.

Does Sheringham become uninsurable and uncontrolable?

Yours,
Lord Paul West of Runton

WELL DONE ZARA!

2006-08-28T14:25:00.000Z

This morning, I had the pleasure of writing to Miss Zara Phillips, c/o Gatcombe Park, to congratulate her on winning gold at the World Three Day Event Championship. Baby Face did a very nice sketch of Toytown, which I enclosed, with my signature in the corner, so she'd think I drew it.

Was more than a bit miffed when Baby Face later confessed he hadn't drawn it from scratch, but rather traced over a picture he'd found on the internet.

It's good to see a fellow royal making a name for herself outside the usual royal circles, just like me, and Prince Edward, who I recently got in touch with because Baby Face and I have always fancied working in TV and we're both huge fans of his productions to date - It's a Royal Knockout being the obvious highlight. More news on that when I get a reply.

Anyway, well done Zara, well done Toytown. Next stop BBC Sports Personality of the Year?

STOP PRESS

2006-06-15T09:54:00.000Z

I've gone off books a bit lately - I'm more of a Fifa man myself now - but earler this year I was contacted by a nice chap from Australia by the name of Simon Sellars, who is writing a book for Lonely Planet all about Micronations.

Exactly what a Micronation is, I'm not 100% sure, but according to Simon the Copeman Empire qualifies and it'll be making some kind of feature when the book gets published in September.

You can pre-order your copy now from Amazon (but Andrew's advice is to "wait 'til they have it in Sheringham Library and photocopy it").

BUTLIN'S CARIBBEAN EXPERIENCE

2005-10-27T11:22:00.000Z

Baby Face has been going around town telling everyone we're off on holiday to the Caribbean. In fact, he's managed to get a last-minute deal at Butlin's Skegness... we leave on Friday. What's more, Andrew rather surprised me by saying he'd like to come along too (although he's decided to upgrade himself to a seperate Deluxe Appartment, because he doesn't get on very well with Baby Face and, more importantly, he wants a broadband connection for his laptop).

Andrew intends to spend most of his time in the casino, whereas Baby Face and I will be heading straight for the pool and Spa area, which, from the brochure, looks very 'Club Tropicana'. Baby Face is hoping their St Tropez booth will be open, so he can get a convincing Caribbean tan.

THIS FRIDAY

2005-09-22T10:42:00.000Z

The full address for Friday's event is as follows: Bally Shoe Factory, Hall Road, Norwich, NR4 6DP.

Basically, it's here.

The evening starts off in the Factory at 6, where I will be making a short speech entitled 'War, Art and the Value of Maize-Based Snacks'. Then, at 9, I will be holding a White Tie Ambassadors' Cocktail Party at Copeman Palace. Anyone reading this, who'd like to come, should get in touch asap... numbers are very limited... the Palace only seats six. Or seven, if someone sits on the draining board.

JONATHAN WHO?

2005-09-21T20:19:00.000Z

Just two years ago, Baby Face and I were social outcasts. To get into parties, we had to gatecrash them. A memorable occasion was when Andrew - or 'Alpha-1', as he insists on being called when he's 'on a mission' - managed to smuggle me and Baby Face into the Pride of Norfolk Awards, where we got to meet Trisha, Myleen Klass, and a talented pet called Gordon.

Well, this Friday, for the first time ever, we have actually been invited to something big and proper in Norwich.

The organisers of the prestigious Norwich Fringe Festival got in touch earlier this week, saying that the royal they'd hoped to book for the opening ceremony had declined, and would I be kind enough to help them out of a fix, by doing the honours myself?

And there will be perks. Lots of lovely perks. I get my own VIP section, in the form of Copeman Palace, which I'll be towing over to the venue tomorrow, and getting stocked up with loads of Freixenet and posh crisps - all at their expense. And then there's the honour of officially declaring the thing open. Back in my dad's heyday as a snack food entrepeneur and local news reader, he was asked to open the Poundstretcher in North Walsham. He seems a little put out that I've now eclipsed him, and at such a tender age.

Even Andrew, who is rarely impressed by anything, agrees that all I need is a panto booking, and I'll officially be bigger than Jonathan Wilkes.

COPEMAN PALACE MEETS ASTON HALL

2005-08-26T10:41:00.000Z

A magnificent stately home, I'm sure you'll agree... just a shame about the building in the background spoiling the view. (© Baby Face Crap Jokes).

I had a lovely day at Aston Hall, where I was made very welcome by Nick Ralls and his staff, many of whom bowed as I made a tour of the hall. As a VIP visitor, I was allowed beyond many of the red cordons and I even got a quick sit on Queen Victoria's throne, on condition that I didn't tell anyone about it.

I did record a short video clip from outside the hall, just after arriving, using Andrew's phone, but I wouldn't bother trying to open it... when I did, it spent almost an hour downloading some software, then performed an illegal operation, and crashed.

LORD AND LADY WHOOFER

2005-08-13T13:10:00.000Z

What would you do if you were invited to meet a stranger armed with a gun, in the middle of the night, in a big, spooky forest, miles from anywhere, where mobile phones don't work, in a pub that isn't a real pub, but is actually his own private pub, that he built himself, just for entertaining guests, of which you are to be an extra special one?

Well, I said yes.

Or, rather, I said yes, until I telephoned Mumsy to say I'd said yes, and she told me to call him straight back and say no.

But the next day, after staying the night at a proper campsite, with proper mobile phone reception, I decided to meet up with him. And I shouldn't have worried at all.

Russ, and his wife Bev, live on a secluded farm just outside Gainsborough. They'd heard about my jaunt up to Edinburgh through the Mailing List and, as they live en route from Sheringham, emailed to say I was welcome to park the Palace up in their field, should I need somewhere to stay.

I'm glad I went round in daylight though. Russ said that when he'd heard I might be coming round the night before, he'd got his search light ready and wheeled his PA system outside to play Land of Hope and Glory at me, full blast.

As it was, I really enjoyed my visit. And quite why two people as good fun as Russ and Bev should chose to live miles from anyone else is beyond me.

These days, people rarely step into the unknown at all, for fear of meeting a nutter who might carve them into little bits, and slowly post them - piece by piece - back to their next of kin. But, by doing so, you also risk not meeting great people like Bev and Russ, who I'd never have met at all, had it not been for a chain of chance outcomes that led me to their door, in a forest, in the middle of nowhere.

And quite why I keep calling them Russ and Bev, I don't know. In a further twist, it turned out they'd already changed their names by deed poll on this website, to the Lord and Lady Whoofer.

BRUSH WITH ROYALTY

2005-08-10T10:39:00.000Z

The visit to Edinburgh didn't get off to the best start, when we pulled up in the carpark outside the Palace of Holyroodhouse, only to be moved on by Palace Security. Apparently the Duke of Edinburgh was in residence, and didn't fancy my palace being parked up next to his - perhaps he thought it might show him up, or something. After all, we were open for tea and cucumber sandwiches, whereas he was firmly closed to visitors.

But with the help of the Royal Parks Officer, we were granted a pleasant spot on the edge of the Queen's Estate, where we got a good stream of visitors throughout the day.

The highlight came at around 4pm, when an old lady popped in for tea (she said we were even cheaper than Morrisons) and, in passing, said that she preffered me to Prince Harry, and that I'd make a better back up, if anything should happen to William. I was so touched that I created her a Dame on the spot, and didn't even charge the usual five pound admin fee.

It rained quite heavily last night, so I'm planning a royal walkabout on the Royal Mile later today, just to check the Fringe performers are OK, and to generally help keep morale up.

ROYAL TOUR

2005-08-07T14:34:00.000Z

After several false starts (quite literally - the 'new caravan' Baby Face bought was a heap of junk), we are now ready to embark on our Royal Tour of the United Kingdom.

In the end we had to scrap Baby Face's van all together, and fork out another 500 quid for something that was actually roadworthy - a snazzy Eldiss GT, which we'll be towing behind my dad's old Volvo 940.

We'll be stopping off tonight in Leeds, before continuing up to Edinburgh, where Baby Face reckons we'll find loads of tourists in town for the festival, who'll hopefully fork out the two pound entry fee to the Palace, and maybe even stump up a fiver for a knighthood or damehood.

Then we'll be going south, stopping off in York to visit Lord and Lady Whoofer (real names, so they tell me), who recently joined the mailing list and have offered to lay on a feast for us, to keep our energy levels up.

Right, got to go - Baby Face is warming up the engine. Photos from our exploits will follow soon...

VIP BBQ: BRAD PITT AND SIR JOHN MILLS IN ATTENDANCE

2005-07-23T20:21:00.000Z

Earlier today, I had the great honour of officially opening the Beeston Regis Caravan Park Summer Barbecue. It was a very hot day, so I was glad of the white tropical uniform Beryl made me recently.

There were several other famous names in attendance - static caravaning seems to attract them - John Mills came over to say hello with his wife Betty (they have a caravan a few doors down from mine, and I sometimes walk their corgis) and Brad Pitt was showing off his new wife Hilary (they don't actually have a caravan on the site, but they must have heard about the free bar and barbecue, and somehow snuck in).

The photo above was taken by fellow park resident, Maurice, who kept leaping out from behind the tents with his Nikon camera, and rattling off a load of shots through his telescopic lens, like I was Princess Diana.

That aside, the day was a great success. The site owner, Timothy Hay, laid the whole thing on, gratis, including an inflatable jousting arena, which, thankfully, I managed to avoid.

And congratulations to Stormin' Norman the groundsman, who received a special prize for his expert lawnmowing on the park - it must take some guts to mow in front of Copeman Palace these days, seeing as it's only six feet from the edge. In fact, some bloke accidentally drove his sit-on mower off the edge of the cliff in Walcott a few months back, but somehow managed to survive the 30ft fall, almost totally unscathed.

TRIBUTE TO SAINT RICHARD

2005-06-27T19:04:00.000Z

Both Baby Face and I were totally gutted by the news that Richard Whiteley has passed away. Baby Face wanted to pay tibute with a poem, and has come up with the following, loosely based on that one in Four Weddings and a Funeral. It doesn't rhyme perfectly, or scan quite right, but it does sum up how we will be feeling, every afternoon at a quarter past three, for some time to come...

Stop the giant clock, keep the letters on their shelves,
Leave Dictionary Corner to themselves;
Silence the buzzers, savour one last pun,
For you are gone, our conundrum.

Let past contestants circle overhead,
Scribbling on their pads the message He Is Dead,
Put a stripy blazer round the shoulders of his chair,
Let Carol wear black gloves, now he's not there.

You were our vowel, our consonant, our numbers round,
Our gentle joke, our soothing sound,
Our afternoon pleasure, with tea and cake,
Our chirpy quip before the break.

The scores are not wanted now: cancel every one;
Hide bright ties, our weekdays are gone;
Pour away the water, put the cards in their box.
No nine-letter word can describe our loss.

CONSORT REQUIRED, URGENTLY

2005-06-14T11:21:00.000Z

After over twenty years without any romance in his life, Andrew Waters has finally managed to get himself a girlfriend - Sophie Blake, who works in the Co-op. I suppose I should have been nice and congratulated him, maybe even bought him a beer or something, but for some reason I actually found myself getting quite jealous. Not that I fancy 'Slow-eyed Sophie' at all, just that I can't stand the smug way he keeps going on about his 'relationship' with her. And it seems every time I go round to his flat to play Fifa on the X-Box these days, she's there cooing over him and feeding him chips.

Last night I snapped, and told him I couldn't see what all the fuss was about - I've had loads of girlfriends over the years - in fact I've got one on the go at the moment - a real stunner - just I don't feel the need to flaunt her about in front of my mates, especially when I'm trying to concentrate on the games console.

Quite why I made this rash outburst, I don't know. Andrew has known me since I was seven, and knows full well that I have only ever had one girlfriend - Jenny Higgins - and that she only lasted for one afternoon - I was eight at the time.

He couldn't stop sniggering about it all evening and has now challenged me to bring what he calls my 'imaginary girlfriend' along on a double date to the Dormy House Hotel Carvery this Saturday, with him and Sophie.

I'm determined to fill the seat one way or another, and have spent all morning e-mailing the local escort agencies, trying to find a suitable match. It might end up costing me an arm and a leg, but it'll be worth it to wipe the smile off his face.

YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR CARRIAGE AWAITS

2005-06-01T17:00:00.000Z

Up until now, my experience of caravaning has been purely static. But that could all be about to change because, earlier today, without even consulting me, Baby Face withdrew a hundred and ten quid from our King's Trust account, and spent it on this heap of junk.

He says he plans to transform it into an ornate royal state coach, by reshaping it with plaster and MDF, spraying it all gold, and then painting elaborate scenes from Sheringham on the doors. By the end, he reckons he'll have it looking just like this.

I'm totally unconvinced, and more than a bit miffed that he's squandered so much of our funds on yet another of his hairbrain schemes. But he seems to have his heart set on entering us into the Sheringham Carnival, and is now trying to convince me that we should also head off on a Royal Tour in it, later this summer.

LET THE GAMES COMMENCE

2005-05-19T13:01:00.000Z

You know summer's on the way, when the fly-swatting season begins. Last summer, Baby Face and I practically turned it into a professional sport - a bit like squash, but with the danger of getting stung, either by a wasp, or by an opponent's swatter.

The selection of a suitable swatter is, in itself, always the cause of some considerable debate - Baby Face swears by the Lakeland Plastics 'Thumbs Up' design, and always turns up on court like Andre Agassi, with a bag full of them.

Personally I only have one, trusty swatter, which has been in the family for years, and was handed down to me by my dad when I first moved into Copeman Palace. It's KO-ed thousands of flies over the years, but still handles just like new.

But before this year's season can get properly underway, we're going to have to settle a dispute about whether the new 'Electro-Swat' - which looks set to be the the big craze of the summer - is strictly match legal. Baby Face reckons it is, and has just forked out 5.99 for one at Emcy's. But I really don't think it's in the spirit of the game - it's made of really hard plastic and I'm worried about damaging the various works of art around the Palace. It also makes a rather scary crackling noise, every time Baby Face sticks his tongue on the electric wires.

INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY

2005-05-13T12:40:00.000Z

Those uninterested in what goes on in the corridors of power can skip this posting. But those who liked that 'Interpreter' movie, with Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn, should read on...

I have just received a mysterious, but very important-sounding email, from someone claiming to be the Emperor of Moravia. You can read the message here.

At first, I thought it was just another of those hoaxes, where someone claims to have twenty million dollars that they're willing to hand over to you, as long as you agree to pay the five grand delivery charge.

But, as Baby Face points out, this email isn't just some standardised junk-mail - it addresses me by name, and the sender is clearly very aware of the existence, and activities, of the Copeman Empire.

So Baby Face has helped me to write up an official response as follows. We're going to head off to the library now, to email it.

EMPIRE BACKS BARRY

2005-05-07T08:38:00.000Z

An emergency meeting was convened at Copeman Palace yesterday afternoon, after some pretty seedy allegations surfaced in the Sun newspaper about our very own Barry Chuckle. Barry was awarded the MCE, along with his brother Paul, in the New Year's Honours, and the Archbishop of Fantaberry reckons we should make an example of him by stripping him of his title. He says moral standards are crumbling all around us, that the Chuckle Brothers were the last bastion of decency in light entertainment, and that Barry should pay for his sins.

But I have decided to go against the Archbishop, and stand up for Barry Chuckle MCE. Decades of brilliant service to the entertainment industry can't just be rubbished, on account of a bit of ill-advised fumbling in a pedal-car at a service station. Rest assured, I'm with you in your time of need Barry - just like I was with Archer, Hamilton and Brocket. You can come and hide out here at the palace if it all gets too much... and we're having Chinese for dinner.