The dream now is always the same. One day, my phone will ring, and it'll be Princess Anne saying, 'Hello Your Majesty, Princess Anne here. Don't know if you can help, but I'm looking for a suitable husband for my daughter Zara. She's ended up with a right rough-looking brute who's covered in bruises and smells like a men's changing room. It really is a nuisance. I'd like her to marry into a good family, and we all know there's only one royal family held in more esteem than the Windsors, and that's the Copemans. She really is very nice, don't let that ghastly tongue stud of hers put you off.'

I am still waiting for that call, but when it comes, I shall be straight down to Westminster Abbey to tie the knot. All the British Royal Family will be there, of course, and I might take a moment to counsel Prince William on the challenges that lie ahead of him as King, seeing as we're both about the same age, and I've pipped him to the post.

51% of the population are female, of which 8.4% are between 18 and 24, of which 5% are outstandingly attractive, of which 0.000001% are Zara Phillips. That just shows how special she is.

Whilst Zara might be tenth in line to the British throne, she will always be first in line to the Copeman one. But even I, whilst no mathematician, would have to agree that 0.000000000002142% indicates that the chances of me meeting, let alone marrying, Zara Phillips is pretty low. So, on the advice of Mumsy (who is always saying I need to be more realistic about getting a girlfriend) I have decided to settle for someone like Zara Phillips, rather than actually Zara Phillips herself.

Do you know someone who looks or acts like Zara Phillips? I would love to hear from you. Click here to e-mail details and a photo.

I will post details of the contenders here on this site, and will invite you all to help me pick out a suitable companion to while away the days with, until I hopefully tie the knot with the 'real thing'. I certainly know how to treat a lady - just ask Janet Hope - when I took her out in the summer of '98, we went to the Harvester, and I paid for starters and side-salads and desserts and coffee.

So get in touch now. Ruling an empire is a lonely business, and Mumsy says I will need someone else to tuck me up at night, just in case something should happen to her.